If you ever want to create lasting change in your life, it’s the small, consistent things you do regularly over time that really make a difference. There are two things missing from many marriages, and definitely are absent from marriages that struggle.
The first is regular, consistent gratitude and appreciation. Your marriage (and any relationship) will thrive in an atmosphere of appreciation and gratitude. It will crumble in an atmosphere of criticism. The problem is our brains are more wired to criticism. It’s not our fault. We’ve heard criticism directed at us so much in our life both externally and internally that it’s really easy to be critical and negative to our spouse. It’s almost a default.
Appreciation and gratitude, on the other hand, take work. Those “neuro pathways” aren’t used as much, therefore it’s harder to be positive and grateful. Like anything worth doing, it takes practice. But it’s profoundly worthwhile.
One thread that often runs through the fabric of marriages is one or both spouses do not feel valued. Your spouse is longing to feel valued because we ALL long to feel valued. Expressing appreciation for your spouse is an excellent way to make them feel valued. Focus not only on what you appreciate about them but delve deeper into WHY you feel that appreciation.
Regular expressions of appreciation and gratitude will bless your marriage, and they will bless you! Scientists describe gratitude as the lubricant of the brain. When you are grateful, your mind actually becomes more agile. A mind that is more flexible is also a mind that is more adaptive. When you’re grateful, you become smarter. Smarter people have more capacity, more potential, and more opportunity for success.
Dr. Robert Emmons has been studying gratitude over two decades. He and others have conducted studies involving thousands of people around the world. He is considered by many to be the world’s leading authority on gratitude. His research states: Studies show that practicing gratitude can increase happiness levels by around 25 percent.
It validates the old adage, “It’s not the happy person who is grateful. It’s the grateful person who is happy.”
Second, try to listen once a day to your spouse without correcting, fixing, or defending. Simply create one brief moment daily where you listen to your spouse with full attention and no rebuttal, even if what they say is uncomfortable. Look them in the eyes for the entire time without your cellphone nearby.
That means:
- No explaining your side
- No correcting their memory
- No problem-solving unless they ask
Instead, respond with something simple like:
- “I can totally understand how/why you’d feel that way.”
- “I hear that you felt dismissed (or whatever they are feeling).”
- “Thank you for telling me.”
What people really want is to be heard and understood. This goes way beyond any specific issue. Being consistently heard, without debate, can rebuild trust even when one spouse claims they are “done trying.” Listening to understand your spouse emotionally is really one of the most loving things you can do for them and for your marriage. It builds a bridge between two different people.
Mr. (Fred) Rogers said “the space between two people who are trying their best to understand each other is hallowed ground.” Think about that. Always treat the space between you and your spouse during an important conversation—and it is always important if it matters to them—as a sacred space that demands respect.
Scripture COMMANDS us to listen like this. Galatians 6:2 tell us to “share each other’s burdens and in this way obey the law of Christ” (NLT).
Do you want to love your spouse better? Do you want to strengthen your marriage? Do you want real “oneness” in your relationship? Start by building a culture of appreciation & gratitude for each other AND listen regularly just to understand each other emotionally.
This spring, Live the Life Northwest Florida introduces an all-new curriculum called “Navigating US” which will equip you and your spouse (and your family) with skills to navigate ANY issue in your marriage. Learn HOW to better love your spouse and family with “Navigating US.” Let’s talk soon about bringing this amazing program to your organization, business, or church! Contact Logan Kelly at Logan@Livethelife.org.
The space between two people who are trying their best to understand each other is hallowed ground
Mr (Fred) Rogers